A few more dresses

There's a funny little road that winds through my life, stopping off and picking up from the most incongruously connected places.

This weekend over at my internet treehouse hangout Pajiba a shitstorm erupted on the comment thread for Dustin Rowles hysterically bilious review of the rom-com 27 Dresses. The commenters went banana bread at Rowles' searing criticism of not just the milquetoast comedy, but of the movie's star (and frequent recipient of Pajiba-venom) Katherine Heigl. After trying and failing to inject some levity into the proceedings, I shrank away from Pajiba figuring I had better things to do with my time than bicker with people over a writer on a semi-obscure pop culture website and his seething hatred for a semi-talented television actress.

Along winds my life from a movie about copious bridesmaids dresses to my Gmail account. If you use Gmail , you are familiar with the content-related adds that populate the side bars. Well, I was closing an e-mail from Evie regarding a wedding shower this weekend, when I noticed the add at the top of the screen was for Modest Wedding Dresses. Of course I had to check it out, and discovered a business that must have the corner on a very niche market. That or there are a helluva lot of Mormons out there. It's a very interesting glimpse into Mormon culture. I can only assume based on the categories of "Temple Dresses" and "Reception Dresses" that the LDS church requires a modest dress code within the sanctuary, hence the desire for two dress options.

I also took a look at the "modest prom dresses"; they weren't bad, just the fashion equivalent of those little cups of vanilla ice cream you eat with a wooden paddle. Then it got me to thinking about what exactly is passing for prom dresses in this day and age. Back in my high school years (early Nineties), most dresses sold for proms were confections of satin, sequins, and bows. What I at the time liked to call Regurgitations From Vanna White's Closet.

Down the road again, leaving our modestly clad Mormon brides to Prom 2008. Yesterday, I did a little interwebs searching for prom dresses and for the most part, the dresses were your typical pageant-type sheath dresses, cocktail numbers (surprising number of which had those never-flattering bubble skirts), swing dresses, and ginormous ballgowns that would not be out of place at a cotillion on some Natchez plantation. As expected sequins, lace, and tulle were in abundance.

Here's one of the few dresses I found that I might have worn back in my day. Cute and kicky and not too glitzy:



But some of what I uncovered was borderline disturbing. Way too adult for a prom-type function. I saw a lot of plunging backs on dresses, but this little gem one was one of the lowest. It's just a guess, but I think it stops about a centimeter before ass crackage.


The front of the dress is even more exciting. Ree-ow! Vegas showgirl all the way:



Plunging necklines are all the rage as well:





Let's not stop at necklines! Let's cut a slit within an inch of our lady bits! 'Cause nothing says sexy like flashing the undies on Prom Night!



Same type of dress, but the hair and gobs of makeup on the model to the left make her look like an 80's-era coke whore. Perfect if the theme of your prom is Less Than Zero.



This dress is deceptive. Looks pretty tame, right? Long skirt, no serious boobage or crotch-revealing. Look closely; the top is see-through. It's like Gunne Sax meets Fredrick's of Hollywood:



Beyond the overly-revealing dresses, were the ones that were just downright bizarre.

If you are planning on attending prom for Belly Dancer High, here's what all the girls will be wearing:



In addition to the fact that this dress looks like a ballroom Latin dance costume, what's with the weird-ass pose? Who stands like that?



I swear this is a cast-off costume from some sci-fi show:



Finally, I add this picture not just because of the retina-scorching garment, but because the broken-down car in the background reminds me of my own prom. On the way back to my house to change, my date's car got a flat tire. I got to stand on the side of I-64 in my lovely black silk gown holding a hubcap full of lug nuts.



I really don't consider myself a prude, but is it appropriate for teenage girls to dress up like presenters at the Adult Film Industry Awards? My prom wasn't that long ago, but no girls needed to rely heavily on wig tape to keep their bosoms from popping forth from their gowns.

My great fear is for what girls will be wearing to my son's prom in fifteen years. Perhaps I should start teaching him now about the importance of prophylactics.

And to think, it all started with 27 Dresses.