At one time or another, we've all been mocked or insulted or gotten excessively negative feedback. Having a fat, awkward adolescence and participating in the performing arts for a number of years (Auditions: oh the humanity!), I've racked up a considerable list of insults during my life.
Here are five of the most interesting:
1. This shithead kid sat in front of me in my sixth-grade English class. One day, shithead kid turned around and asked me if the picture of a pig on my shirt was my family crest. As I stood to leave at the end of class, I "accidentally" hit him in the face with my bookbag. Whoops.
2. I had a girl friend in high school break up with me to go hang out with her new BFF. Her reasoning for no longer wanting me as her friend: Because this new girl stood a better chance of helping her get a boyfriend than I did. Yeah, bitch, last time I checked you still list yourself as "single" on MySpace. How's that boyfriend hunt going?
3. After listening to a friend bemoan his lack of a date for his fraternity formal, I offered to go with him. "No," he replied, "I want take someone pretty." Believe it or not, we are still friends, exchanging Christmas cards and everything.
4. A college professor once described me as a "handsome woman". You know what a handsome woman is? A handsome woman is Queen Victoria or Ilsa who works at the Lego factory in Baden Baden. Guys, if the only thing nice you can think of to say about a woman is that she's "handsome", keep your flippin' trap shut.
5. Another guy friend in college told me that I reminded him of "those naked women in old paintings." I believe he was referencing something like this or this. Even though he vehemently denied such connotations, I told him it was the most creative way of calling me fat that I'd ever heard.