Wednesday, September 05, 2007

You never know when you may have to jam.

My college chum Vanessa, like myself a crafty girl with macabre leanings, sent me a link to this fabulousness: The AntiCraft. These women are all my new girlfriends. How marvelously they marry crafting with the morbid!

I want to make sweet love to them down by the fire.

Vanessa made sure to point me in the direction of the End of Days Kit: The AntiCrafter's Emergency Stash. My excitement could barely be contained.

The project is wonderful, indeed, but let me recommend a few changes:

1. Zippered Tote Bag or Large Sturdy Tin- Check. Excellent portability, which is crucial during the zombie apocalypse. You should always keep moving when the dead rise to feast on the living. We've all seen what disaster unfolds when people try to hole up in some old farmhouse and wait the situation out. Munch, munch.

2. Red Duct Tape: Good thinking about the red cross. That plus the fact that you won't be shambling and moaning should be dead giveaways that you are not amongst the recently reanimated dead.

3. Flashlight: Good. Check.

4. Weapon: The author recommends a rotary cutter. Those buggers sure are sharp but a little small. Wielding them would put you right in range of a zombie's bite zone which should be avoided at all times.

Best non-gun weapon would be a machete, but since most people don't have one lying around their house, a baseball bat (preferably wooden), cricket bat, long piece of piping, or marble rolling pin should all work nicely. What you want is something portable but long enough to crack the head of a reanimated corpse without intruding on its personal space.

5. Manuals: Everyone should own a copy of The Zombie Survival Guide. I have this great plan of leaving them in hotel nightstands right next to the Gideon bible. Also, the Army Survival Guide is good for basic knowledge.

Or you could just kidnap my dad. He knows how to live off the land and all that survivalist shit. Cause he's nuts.

6. Knitting and Thread Snips: Unlike the author, I am not a knitter. The tools of my crafty inclinations tend to be a Dremmel and various types of epoxy and pliers, none of which could do double duty as anti-zombie weapons and entertainment when hiding. I'd just as soon carry my handgun and a deck of cards.

7. Hydration: Crunk Juice is inspired. Perfect blend of stimulant and intoxication necessary for battling armies of the undead.

8. Sustenance: Dark chocolate would also get me through the harsh days and nights of zombie fighting. And maybe some candy corn.

9. Cigarettes and Matches: Check. Double check. I'd try and cram at least a carton in my kit.

10. Tissues: Tears are for the weak.

11. Camera: I don't know if I would have the presence of mind to snap pictures of the undead. Maybe I can find one of those guns like Ryan Reynolds had in Blade:Trinity with a camera already built into the body. Yeah, that's right. And a flamethrower too...

1 comment:

Bianca Reagan said...

I have most of that stuff ready to move. I've gone through five hurricanes, and the footage of Katrina may have given me secondhand PTSD. So I'm ready to shake and bake. No cigarettes, though. I don't smoke.

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