Monday, September 10, 2007

Kick Ass Jewelry

Remember that Nike commercial that aired only one time during the Sydney Olympics before being yanked because a bunch of Righteous Somebodies complained? It was a riff on the slasher movie with a masked, knife-wielding psycho chasing a young woman through the woods. Only in the Nike commercial, the young woman was not some shrieking, collapsing nitwit; she was athletic and level-headed, jogging swiftly, expertly navigating the wooded path, and leaping over logs. The psycho had trouble keeping up with his would-be victim, tripping and flailing through the forest. By the end of the commercial, he was left panting and exhausted in her dust.

The commercial had me laughing hysterically, and I was dismayed the next day to find out that certain groups (I cannot recall which.) had lodged complaints against Nike, claiming the commercial was degrading to women and glorified their victimization. I felt that it did the exact opposite; it turned the stereotype on its ear and made the typical simpering female character into a strong survivor.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about that commercial and personal safety. Because of the sweltering heat of the daytime and the timing of Little A's nightly routine, I find myself running long after the sun goes down. I go through some poorly lit and wooded areas of our neighborhood on my run, and to be honest, I've been getting the serious willies through those stretches. (Thank you, Overactive Imagination.) Doesn't help that I watched some Dateline about a serial rapist who attacked women joggers in broad daylight for twenty years before being brought to justice.

What I need is something to help protect me should some weirdo come out of the woods to attack me. After the Infamous Dog Bite Incident of 2005, it was suggested I start running with a gun. The idea of me running with a handgun strapped to my body is, in a word, ridiculous. I'd shoot myself.

I've also nixed the idea of carrying pepper spray or one of those telescoping batons. There's the strong likelihood of my attacker wrenching those away from me and using them to subdue me. Or I could just drop them. Because I'm that suave.

Evelyn suggested I wear one of these. But I don't think it would do well hooked to the elastic waistband of my running shorts. Flop city.

As for a stun gun, see my concerns regarding handguns. Same scenario.

Then I found about about the Subtle Safety Ring. Its design is slightly different from the original which folded out into a modified version of brass knuckles with sharp edges. But new ring looks just as effective. It's light and portable. Can't be easily taken away from me and requires no special skill or training to wield it.

Basically, all that's necessary to eff some crazy up is the ability to flail wildly with your fist. Hell, I'd probably be brilliant at flailing if some creep jumped out on top of me. Flail like mad whilst yelling at him to leave me alone and he better not have broken my iPod.

Plus, it's modern, cool, and stylish. So, whaddya think? Is sixty bucks too much for a kick ass ring? Anyone got any better ideas?


All hail YouTube. Here's the link to the original Nike commerical:


Ev said...

I like the ring, though I'm not sure I'd spend $60 (of course I'm also cheap - as you know). I checked out the website where you found the device I described as having as a teenager. I actually like the keychain version. Since I have my gym key on a keychain that I wear hooked inside my gym pants, I think I could handle the keychain thing hooked on my person. Again, that is me - and that ring looks totally you!

Anonymous said...

how about a jogging buddy? how about a ninja as a jogging buddy?

the ring is great though. shiney and hurty at the same time!


JamieSmitten said...

The ring isn't a bad idea, but I'd probably slice my cheek open wiping sweat out of my eyes. And, it means that someone got within flailing distance. How about one of those annoying as hell, ear piercing whistles? Cheaper and perhaps you could teach yourself a tune?

Jaime said...

Well if you're really concerned, I'd say buy a treadmill and stay inside until your schedule is more outdoor-jogging friendly, but if you think this ring will do it... I was a little disappointed to see it only goes up to a size 9, though...

Manda said...

Jamie: So here's the thing: I do own an elliptical machine. It's just so goldarn boring to run on it night after night, staring at whatever BS is on the TV. Plus, I've got a 5K at the end of the month, and I'd like to get in as much pavement time as possible before then.

Ms. Smitten: I live in Lakeside, remember? Blowing on a whistle wouldn't do any good. These rednecks would just turn their TVs up louder.

V: Ninjas. Yeah, ninjas. I actually know one. At least he thinks he is.

Ev: It would totally pop off my pants and fall and start shrieking. Much to my embarrassment.

Anonymous said...

I think a lot of the things you talk about are gimmicks that might get you into trouble if you try to fight the wrong person with them. The ring too, if you're going to use a weapon it needs to incapacitate your target quickly or else you run the risk of just making somebody really mad and your situation that much worse. The other anon made a good point with the "jogging buddy" you're much safer in a pair or group. Or you could just learn to fight, I think that would be much more effective that a gimmicky little weapon.

ahamos said...

The trouble with learning to fight is that you're probably going to be too exhausted from running to fight effectively. It's tough, after running 3 miles, to make your arms and legs suddenly start doing defensive motions. Kind of like trying to fight in water.

Alex the Odd said...

I get your dilemma here. I just moved from a very nice, safe area with brightly lit parks to what is affectionately referred to by my friends and family as a "post apocalyptic wasteland roamed by psychopaths" my solution is to force myself to walk to and from work (an hour each way) rather than going for a 30 min run during the week, jogging has to be saved for the weekends.

Look at me pretending I do exercise and stuff!

Also: going jogging with a gun? Worst idea I've ever heard.

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