Thursday, June 07, 2007

Five For Friday

Five Incomprehensible Fashion Trends

When Adrian and I were full-time Gym Rats, I used my time on the elliptical machine to peruse the gym's many fashion and gossip rags. It was a great way to get my fix of fluff without paying newsstand prices. Nowadays, with gym membership a mere memory, I get my dose of fashion frippery at the salon. Yesterday, with my foil-encrusted head stuffed under the dryer I flipped through a recent edition of Harper's Bazaar and was reminded why I don't buy fashion mags. Most of the stuff in there is unwearable, overpriced crap.

I adore fashion. I have been accused more than once of being a clothes horse. Trendy clothes can be fun, and dressing up is great fun. But there are some things I just can't abide, especially when I witness said fashion disastrophes removed from the glossy page and out in public. Here are my top five (oh, and the list does go on):

1. Vera Bradley: The cult-like appeal of this nouveau chintzy line of accessories is completely lost on me. It screams Country Club Rich Housewife which makes it all the more mystifying when I see girls in their teens and twenties toting one of these icky bags around.

2. Crocs: These Swiss cheese plastic clogs are probably very serviceable garden and/or pool shoes, but I have become increasingly disturbed at how widespread they are in terms of everyday footwear. There are even knock-offs. Men, women, kids, all wear them. I fear that Crocs are quickly becoming the Birkenstock's/Tevas of the Aughts. Every decade has it's own butt-ugly, "comfortable" footwear, I suppose.

3. Gauchos: No one, except maybe skeletal fashion models, look good in gauchos. They make a woman look thick and stumpy. What's even more unnerving is when I see gauchos as part of acceptable office attire. No, no, no, no! If anything, gauchos should be confined to the home as lounge pants. Unless of course, you are a real gaucho or you serve the skewers of meat at Texas de Brazil.

4. High-waisted pants/jeans: According to the copy of HB I was reading, these gems of the garment industry are coming back in style. No lie. Mom Jeans are back, except with this new hipster cred of being a throwback trend from the 80's. Come on ladies; there are enough of us who lived through the 80's and early 90's who remember that high-waisted jeans are wrong and should be stopped. They do nothing for their wearer. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE looks good in them. They give even a wafer thin woman the appearance of having a kangaroo pouch and saddle bags, and only accentuate the same figure flaws on an ordinary woman.

5. Designer handbags: Anything that prominently displays it's designer maker is a mystery to me. That kind of prominent wearing of particular designer to signify status seems just so middle school to me. Back when you were nothing without at least one pair of Guess jeans. When I see adults parading about some piece of clothing or accessory because of the brand name, I just chuckle because normally (and especially in the case of designer purses) the item is just absolutely Fug. Fendi, Dooney & Burke, Louis Vuitton, Prada, Balenciaga. All these designers make hideous and sometimes ridiculous handbags. Like the giant, slouchy hobo bag with thick chain strap that has been so popular for the last year or so. What is up with that purse? It's awful! Women snap these bags up for outrageous prices. I love a cute purse as much as the next girl, but when you get down to it, a purse is a utilitarian accessory. You tote your junk around in it and things get a little messy. Down at the bottom of most women's purses is a bunch of detritus and gum wrappers. Pens open up. Lip gloss leaks. That tin of Altoids gets dust everywhere. Why pay hundreds of dollars for a bag that faces daily abuse on the outside and from within? Now a cute pair of designer shoes... that's another story all together.

Props to CBS. They saved Jericho. Unless this has all been a planned publicity stunt to gain new viewers. Either way I am excited to find out how Mr. Hawkins is planning to stop a train with a tank.

Man, is it hot today or what? Icky.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

oh god, so hot today.

my fashionista pip is the fashion short. i have actually seen them above mid-thigh and puffed. puffed! with a button faux-fastening the band! argh! like 21st century pumpkin pants!


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