Good Friday

Here was a man

A man who was born in a small village the son of a peasant woman
He grew up in another small village
Until he reached the age of thirty he worked as a carpenter
Then for three years he was a traveling minister
But he never traveled more than two hundred miles from where he was born
And where he did go he usually walked
He never held political office
He never wrote a book
Never bought a home
Never had a family
He never went to college and he never set foot inside a big city
Yes, here was a man
Though he never did one of the things usually associated with greatness
He had no credentials but himself
He had nothing to do with this world
Except through the devine purpose that brought him to this world
While he was still a young man the tide of popular opinion turned against him
Most of his friends ran away
One of them denied him
One of them betrayed him and turned him over to his enemies
Then he went through the mockery of a trial
And was nailed to a cross between two thieves
And even while he was dying his executioners gambled
For the only piece of property that he had in this world
And that was his robe
When he was dead he was taken down from the cross
And laid in a borrowed grave provided by a compassionate friend
More than nineteen centuries have come and gone
And today he's a centerpiece of the human race
Our leader in the column to human destiny
I think I'm well within the mark when I say that all of the armies that ever marched
All of the navies that ever sailed the seas
All of the legislative bodies that ever sat and all of the kings that ever reigned
All of them put together have not affected the life of man on this earth
So powerfully as that one solitary life
Here was a man

-Johnny Cash-

The Book of Seder

Or One of the Many Reasons My Husband is My Soulmate.

Soon to be part of Whoa, Camel!'s annual Easter postings (or at least until he tires of seeing it published) is a bit of my husband's brilliant satire. I find it wholly amusing that he, a completely nonreligious person, would take such offense at the hypocrisy engulfing the modern American church in its efforts to market Christianity to the masses. As part of his disgust, he views church-sponsored Easter egg hunts as blasphemous towards Christianity's most holiest of holidays. A few years back, out of frustration with the cloying manner in which Easter is now regarded in most Protestant and non-denominational churches, he penned The Book of Seder, a hitherto missing Gospel wherein Jesus sets the precedence for the revered tradition of egg hunts and chocolate gorging:

And so, as the Seder feast approached, Jesus called unto his disciples and said, “I have received news which is my Father’s news, and that is to be given unto you. That you are to collect the eggs of hens throughout all the land, and bring them to the temple on Seder-eve. There the eggs will be emptied without breaking, and brightly colored so as to show the love of my Father.”

And so the disciples set out upon the land to collect the offerings of hens. And it was so, that they rejoined unto each other on Seder-eve at the temple, each with his measure of eggs. And Peter asked, “Lord, how are we to drain the eggs without breaking them?”

Jesus replied, “Does not the ewer empty with even the smallest hole? We shall prick tiny holes in each end, and blow with forceful breath upon one end, that the yolks shall flow forth. And we shall collect the yolks in great urns, so to bake treats for the children.”

And they began to drain the eggs, with Jesus draining many times his measure. But the disciples were discouraged, for their eggs broke. And they asked unto the Lord, “Lord, our eggs are breaking. Soon there will be no more eggs. How can we present broken eggs in the temple?”

Jesus considered this and replied, “Not all eggs need come from hens, though those that do not must be rich indeed. Peter, look in that urn, and bring forth what you find.” And Peter peered into the urn, and drew forth strange material, shiny and smooth. “Lord, what is this treasure you provide us?”

“Plastic.” And so they continued, filling the plastic eggs with small treasures, baked goods beyond measure and coins bearing Caesar’s image. The eggs of hens were brightly painted to capture the splendor of the Seder feast, and the plastic eggs were filled.

And on the morning of Seder, Simon went to fetch a hare for the noon-day feast. And Jesus said unto Simon, “Cook not the hare, for he represents the work of my Father on this day. Nay, praise the hare, and place an egg before him, that you have painted. And when you see a hare before Seder, say unto any who stand near, ‘Happy Easter’, for the Lord my Father has brought the beasts of the land upon the East winds, so to feed his children the Israelites.” And he asked of Luke, who had thus far sat quietly, “Luke, go to Mary’s house, and request from her that which she has been keeping for me.”

And Luke went to Mary’s house, and retrieved Jesus’ bunny-suit. Then Jesus did say, “Let us go to the mall, and pass out our eggs, but hiding several for the children to find. And afterward, let us dine together, as a family might.”

And so Simon went to fetch an ox, which was not protected by the word of God, and they feasted heartily. And afterward they ate chocolate.

**Oh and in case anyone was wondering, we are sending Little A to Saturday's church egg hunt. Because in the face of a toddler who loves to hide and find all manner of things, we become total hypocrites. And unfortunately, my recent healthcapades have left me with little energy to organizing a Good Friday service like I normally do. I feel like poo that the death and resurrection of Christ won't have gotten my full attention this year. Maybe eating a Cadbury Egg will make me feel better.

Here Was A Man

Here was a man

A man who was born in a small village the son of a peasant woman
He grew up in another small village
Until he reached the age of thirty he worked as a carpenter
Then for three years he was a traveling minister
But he never traveled more than two hundred miles from where he was born
And where he did go he usually walked
He never held political office
He never wrote a book
Never bought a home
Never had a family
He never went to college and he never set foot inside a big city
Yes, here was a man
Though he never did one of the things usually associated with greatness
He had no credentials but himself
He had nothing to do with this world
Except through the devine purpose that brought him to this world
While he was still a young man the tide of popular opinion turned against him
Most of his friends ran away
One of them denied him
One of them betrayed him and turned him over to his enemies
Then he went through the mockery of a trial
And was nailed to a cross between two thieves
And even while he was dying his executioners gambled
For the only piece of property that he had in this world
And that was his robe
When he was dead he was taken down from the cross
And laid in a borrowed grave provided by a compassionate friend
More than nineteen centuries have come and gone
And today he's a centerpiece of the human race
Our leader in the column to human destiny
I think I'm well within the mark when I say that all of the armies that ever marched
All of the navies that ever sailed the seas
All of the legislative bodies that ever sat and all of the kings that ever reigned
All of them put together have not affected the life of man on this earth
So powerfully as that one solitary life
Here was a man

-Johnny Cash-

Easter commemorates the events which formed the foundation of my Christian faith. I only wish did more to honor the sacrifice of Christ's death and the miracle of His resurrection.

Instead, I stuff myself with Peeps and Cadbury eggs.

Man, I suck.

Happy Easter everyone.