Soon to be part of Whoa, Camel!'s annual Easter postings (or at least until he tires of seeing it published) is a bit of my husband's brilliant satire. I find it wholly amusing that he, a completely nonreligious person, would take such offense at the hypocrisy engulfing the modern American church in its efforts to market Christianity to the masses. As part of his disgust, he views church-sponsored Easter egg hunts as blasphemous towards Christianity's most holiest of holidays. A few years back, out of frustration with the cloying manner in which Easter is now regarded in most Protestant and non-denominational churches, he penned The Book of Seder, a hitherto missing Gospel wherein Jesus sets the precedence for the revered tradition of egg hunts and chocolate gorging:
And so, as the Seder feast approached, Jesus called unto his disciples and said, “I have received news which is my Father’s news, and that is to be given unto you. That you are to collect the eggs of hens throughout all the land, and bring them to the temple on Seder-eve. There the eggs will be emptied without breaking, and brightly colored so as to show the love of my Father.”
And so the disciples set out upon the land to collect the offerings of hens. And it was so, that they rejoined unto each other on Seder-eve at the temple, each with his measure of eggs. And Peter asked, “Lord, how are we to drain the eggs without breaking them?”
Jesus replied, “Does not the ewer empty with even the smallest hole? We shall prick tiny holes in each end, and blow with forceful breath upon one end, that the yolks shall flow forth. And we shall collect the yolks in great urns, so to bake treats for the children.”
And they began to drain the eggs, with Jesus draining many times his measure. But the disciples were discouraged, for their eggs broke. And they asked unto the Lord, “Lord, our eggs are breaking. Soon there will be no more eggs. How can we present broken eggs in the temple?”
Jesus considered this and replied, “Not all eggs need come from hens, though those that do not must be rich indeed. Peter, look in that urn, and bring forth what you find.” And Peter peered into the urn, and drew forth strange material, shiny and smooth. “Lord, what is this treasure you provide us?”
“Plastic.” And so they continued, filling the plastic eggs with small treasures, baked goods beyond measure and coins bearing Caesar’s image. The eggs of hens were brightly painted to capture the splendor of the Seder feast, and the plastic eggs were filled.
And on the morning of Seder, Simon went to fetch a hare for the noon-day feast. And Jesus said unto Simon, “Cook not the hare, for he represents the work of my Father on this day. Nay, praise the hare, and place an egg before him, that you have painted. And when you see a hare before Seder, say unto any who stand near, ‘Happy Easter’, for the Lord my Father has brought the beasts of the land upon the East winds, so to feed his children the Israelites.” And he asked of Luke, who had thus far sat quietly, “Luke, go to Mary’s house, and request from her that which she has been keeping for me.”
And Luke went to Mary’s house, and retrieved Jesus’ bunny-suit. Then Jesus did say, “Let us go to the mall, and pass out our eggs, but hiding several for the children to find. And afterward, let us dine together, as a family might.”
And so Simon went to fetch an ox, which was not protected by the word of God, and they feasted heartily. And afterward they ate chocolate.
**Oh and in case anyone was wondering, we are sending Little A to Saturday's church egg hunt. Because in the face of a toddler who loves to hide and find all manner of things, we become total hypocrites. And unfortunately, my recent healthcapades have left me with little energy to organizing a Good Friday service like I normally do. I feel like poo that the death and resurrection of Christ won't have gotten my full attention this year. Maybe eating a Cadbury Egg will make me feel better.