Maggots, Michael, you're eating maggots

The best way I can describe the sensation experienced while viewing the trailer for the fecal abomination known as Lost Boys 2: The Tribe would be that intestinal flu where you feel like you are going to blow chunks and have nasty diarrhea all at the same time.

I don't often give in to the "Raping of my Childhood" hysteria when it comes to remakes, but in my book Lost Boys is sacrosanct.

Behold, the power of an absolute cinematic VBF:



First of all, since when is Lost Boys considered a "cult phenomenon"? Aren't cult films supposed to have achieved notoriety long after initially bombing at the box office? As I recall, Lost Boys was pretty damn successful when it was released in '87.

The original Lost Boys cast contained some credible talent: Dianne Wiest, Edward Herrman, Jason Patric, Keifer, and say what you will about the Coreys but they were good child/teen actors (Don't take my word for it; rent Stand By Me and Lucas.). This new cast looks like a bunch of homogenized extras from One Tree Hill. According to IMDB, the Frog Brothers make their return (i.e. The actors need some cash.) and The Haim, despite all the hand-wringing and weeping on his goofy reality show, managed to weasel his way into a reprise of Sam.

While the makers of LB 2 have blatantly lifted scenes and even specific shots from the original (Did you catch the replay of that moment from LB when a wounded David shrinks from the light after the Frog brothers' attack on his colony?), they've also added a few new elements, namely lots of steamy sex and some illegal street racing action. I wouldn't be surprised if the vampires didn't break out into a hip-hop street dance off in an effort to appeal better to the tastes of the retro-worshiping halfwits that make up its target demographic (None of which were even stars in their mothers' eyes in the Eighties.).

Here's a real kicker, that blonde vampire that looks vaguely like a bargain bin Keifer? He's Angus Sutherland, half-brother to a one Keifer Sutherland. Sigh.

My lawd, they even remade "Cry Little Sister"! Who is responsible for this travesty and where can I send him a flaming bag of poo for his doorstep?

This dreck better go straight to DVD. Otherwise I'll be down at my local multiplex heckling all the jerkoffs in their American Appareal electric blue stirrup pants or fake vintage Target tees queuing up to see this hot tranny mess on the big screen.

It's just so sad.

Nobody better be messing with The Goonies. Or I might just have to pack up Little A and his throwing stars and take a trip to Hollywood. We'd put a hurtin' on some studio suits the likes of which no one has ever seen. By the time we finished, those jokers wouldn't even be fit for zombie consumption.