Does the Almighty Come in Hot Pink?

A few weeks ago, my husband and I were out driving in the Short Pump area-Ninth Circle of Hell-and we passed by one of the local McChurches. They were displaying the above graphic on banner in front of the building. The banner advertised the latest sermon series, complete with the iconic black-silhouetted, dancing figures. I could not have made this up. In fact, I wished I had. (I'd post a link to some of the sermons in the iGod series, but I've not listened to them and frankly I don't want to give this church's site any additional traffic. I am as insulted by this bullshit as I was with Velocity Church's obnoxious radio ads.)


Dare I ever attempt to know the heart and mind of God, Creator of the Universe, but despite the fact that the iPod is a rockin' little gadget and Apple has done a bang-up job marketing it, somehow I have serious doubts that God wants his followers stumping Him as the Walkman of the 21st century. Are we that sad of a nation that Christianity needs to be marketed with hip tie-ins? We can't have our religion without slapping it with a thick veneer of hipness? Or worse, does the modern American church think that it needs to peddle Christianity like a Superbowl ad? I am perplexed that churches think the teachings of Christ need to be all MySpaced out or nobody will listen.

I hear the penny wisdom from fellow Christians that the means justify the ends, that whatever it takes to fill pews, to "win souls for the Lord", is justifiable. But at some point, this interbreeding of consumerist American culture and Christianity is going to come back to bite us in the ass. Lost will be Jesus' essential core teaches about love, humility, and servanthood, replaced by a happy-slappy , Let's Make Sure Everyone Is Happy With Themselves mantra, come back next Sunday and we'll throw in a new iPod for every conversion. If you get people in the door by promising to be fun and hip, you better continue to fulfill on that promise, which means you run the risk of making entertainment the foundation of church services and sermons. More than likely, that would mean removing any elements of the Christian dogma that don't fit with Big Fun and the Feel Good Band.


I blame Joel Osteen.

Smells Like Holy Spirit?

You know how NASCAR fans can get Oh Oh See with the merchandising? There's everything under the sun emblazoned with a driver's number. You can even buy the discarded body panels off of your favorite car to, um, hang over your fireplace?

As bad as the racing folks are, Christians can be ten times worse when it comes to merchandising God. Just peruse the aisles of the local Christian bookstore and you'll find a myriad of decorative and knick-knacky crap, all with a religious sheen. (I would have posted some links to real wacky merchandise, but the first website I visited crashed my Firefox. Jerks.) But I do have to wonder at the intent of the manufacturers of all this religious kitsch. Are they really looking to serve and edify God or just make a tidy buck off of a bunch of ugly stuff made cheaply in some far-off sweatshop?

Accumulating religious doo-dads probably started way back in early churches of the late Roman Empire and Middle Ages when relics of all sorts became the rage. People went ape over a splinter from the One True Cross or a scrap of clothing rumored to have been worn by Christ or a bone from a long-dead saint. It's a unique form of idolatry, the longing for a physical, earthly link to the heavenly realms. Kind of like those scarves Elvis used to toss out during his concerts. Or like the pen you let the Cute Boy in homeroom borrow that you place worshipfully on your dresser because He touched it, maybe even chewed on it a little.

The other night, following a story from Yahoo!, I found Virtue, the world's first spiritual perfume. No joke. Eau de God. I couldn't have made this ridiculousness up. I must admit that I only skimmed the majority of the website; I had to stop reading because I feared I'd give myself a brain embolism.

But I'm a generous sort of gal, so I thought I'd share with you, dear readers, the story of Virtue in all its cerebellum-melting glory, using of course, text pulled straight from the website.

When we started Virtue® there was no IBI. We were just two individuals, who had a dream to make a difference in the world we served. How could we make a dream a reality and have it be truly Inspired? Truly in service to our intent to create a fragrance that would serve a Spiritual purpose. To truly serve the Spiritual side of humanity. The key... was the fragrance. And the key to the proper fragrance was Spirit, Itself.

What?!? You want "to serve the world and make a difference" so you create a PERFUME? There are dozens of ways to "serve the Spiritual side of humanity" and these wingnuts went for fragrance? Maybe I dozed off during this portion of Sunday School, but I am pretty sure Christ didn't mention anything in his teachings about helping the world smell nice.

A year later, while doing some research on the name, we became aware that Virtue was actually associate [sic] with fragrance the world over. In practically all religions and Spiritual practices, persons of high Spiritual attainment are known to give off a fragrance, attributed to their Virtue. Christ, many of the Saints, and numerous others with highly developed spirituality, are, historically, known to have given off such a fragrance.

Again, I think I missed the part in the Bible where it talked about Jesus smelling like flowers. More than likely, considering the hygiene practices of his time, Jesus stunk like sweat. And I don't think that made him any less of a Messiah.

I'm going to skip the overly drawn out section of the website that is dedicated to the perfume's rather banal logo. The earnestness with which the design is described is both hysterical and pathetic.

Onto the perfume itself. Here's how the World' First Spiritual Scent is described:

Let it’s [sic] contemporary notes of Apricot (the real forbidden fruit), Fig and Pomegranate transition into a gentle heart of Iris, warming to a golden base of rich exotic woods including Frankincense, Myrrh, and Spikenard, ever so lightly sprinkled with Cinnamon and Cassia. Your journey is complete. You are firmly placed in an ancient realm of the senses, enduring and timeless for over 3,000 years.

According to the Virtue folks, Eve munched on an apricot. (Here's where I crack open Genesis...) And what in the world is Spikenard? More importantly, why would I want to apply it to my body.

I really like the notion that somehow God's essence was more pure in the ancient world, so that in order to truly connect with God time traveling would be required. Also, this notion that the ancient world was brimming with all of these divine scents, like some sort of mystical Yankee Candle store, is ludicrous. More than likely, the "ancient realm of the senses" smelled like animal dung, B.O., and raw sewage.

The makers of Virtue point out that in order for their fragrance to work, you can't just mist it in the air and walk through a cloud of perfume on your way out the door. They outline specific steps one must take in order to receive the full blessing of the sacred odor.

Begin your spiritual practice (prayer, meditation, contemplation, etc.)
Establish your desired spiritual state.
Smell your wrist, maintaining awareness of your spiritual state.
Keep repeating this association.
In the course of your day, let it remind you of your spiritual state by smelling your wrist.
Maintaining contact with the Spiritual Self brings inspirations and insights, only available by spiritual awareness.

I have no words. This shit is beyond me.

And just when you thought it couldn't get better, there are testimonials!

"I found that an added bonus is that it mixes beautifully with the other two perfumes I wear regularly. I can spray on my other fragrance, then dab on some Virtue® and love the results."

Whoa , Stinkerella! This woman wears THREE different perfumes? I feel sorry for anyone who has to share the same 50 cubic feet with this woman.

"The concept is such a good idea, and I look forward to gradually associating that smell with my 'Spiritual State', so that each time I get a whiff of it during the day, I'll instantly feel that refreshment and reverence. "

I can't help but get this mental picture of Mary Catherine Gallagher jamming her hands in her pits, pulling them out, and taking a nice big whiff.

"The best use so far has been spraying it in my home, my children's room or on their pillow before they sleep. To all of my sisters in Christ I say: A mother's heart is like a deep well that bursts forth in tears when her children are in pain, who prays endlessly for love to guide them to a righteous path and blesses the broken road because their journey will end in strength, faith and a victorious life."

This poor woman's kids who reek of perfume. And I am not sure what she's getting at with her mish-mash of metaphors at the end there, but I try not to question any woman who sprays perfume all over her house. She might just be in the running for Vice-Mayor of Crazytown.

Best part about all this insanity is the asking price. For only $80 you can own your very own bottle of Biblical scent. Really, dear readers, is that too much to ask for "a reminder of the eternal I AM"?

Never Been Kissed

Sometimes in the mornings when I turn on the television for our daily hit of Sesame Street, I catch a glimpse of some televangelist's program, of course only if the TV happens to be on Fox. These people amuse me with their plastic countenance and practiced rhetoric, and so for a good chuckle, I'll often watch a few minutes to see what kind of perversion of Christ's teachings they are peddling to the masses.

The other day, we happened to tune in at the end of a segment that was clearly aimed at the teen/young adult population. On the show that day was the host, two young women, and Lisa Bevere. According to my copious Google research, Lisa Bevere is a motivation speaker (or as her website proclaims, she and her husband have a "ministry".) and author who specializes in self-help books aimed at Christian women. Apparently, she was appearing on this show to stump for her latest book, Kiss the Girls and Made Them Cry. (More thoughts on the book further down.)

It didn't take long for me to figure out what the topic of discussion: sexuality and the Christian woman. When the words "Christian" and "sex" are put together, inevitably the word "abstinence" follows quickly behind. Lisa Bevere and her co-horts were extorting the notion of "purity" in young women of the Christian faith. The two younger guests were there to share their experiences and testimony about how wonderful being abstinent is, and as I listened to them talk, it became clear that one of the women was taking the concept of "waiting until marriage" to a very stringent level. She was waiting to have her very first kiss until she exchanged vows with her future husband.

Wait.

What?

Growing up in the non-denominational Christian church, I am very familiar with the whole True Love Waits bullshit. It was shoved down my throat as a teenager, but never had I ever heard of a girl or guy taking such extreme measures to ensure her/his purity. (And before anyone gets snarky, she was a reasonably attractive woman.)

Wow.

Herein lies my big beef with the way that the non-denom/evangelical Christian church deals with sexuality, namely the demonizing of non-marital sex and any activities (ooooh, heavy petting!) that could lead to non-marital sex.

I do believe in a holistic view of sex, that it exists not just in the physical realm but touches aspects of our emotional and spiritual selves. Read the Kama Sutra; it's not just about those wacky Indians and their gymnastic positions. Ascetics from a variety of faiths have eschewed the physical pleasures of the body in order to obtain spiritual enrichment. I certainly have respect for the people I've know who chose to remain virgins until their wedding nights; it's a level of commitment that I find commendable.

But I don't think it is a one-size-fits-all philosophy. Unfortunately, the majority of the Christian church thinks it should be, which is where I feel we are failing the kids who grow up in the faith. We are not teaching them a healthy view of sex and sexuality because no one wants to find the middle ground between a free love orgy and a chastity belt.

I was taught to believe that to engage in sex outside of marriage was impure and drove a wedge in my relationship with God. Waiting until marriage, as I told my youth minister once, seemed like utter nonsense because why should I wait for something that would never happen in the first place. (The joke's on my fifteen-year-old self. Ha ha ha.) Besides, sexual purity for God's sake didn't seem work very well in real life. I knew a lot of "good Christian" girls who ended up pregnant before they hit twenty. Then there were girls I knew who believed that as long as it wasn't vaginal sex, they were free to engage in everything else from the Bootie Time Playbook. This rationalization not only seemed hysterically absurd, but completely missed the whole point.

So back to Ms. Bevere and her book. According to some of the less flattering reviews I read on Amazon, she seems to regurgitate the antiquated notions of women as sexual victims and of the passive female sexuality (HA!). And that by remaining pure for God you will be granted, by divine intervention, a princely husband with whom you will have happy sexytime for the rest of your life. Okay. Whatever.

Still I am curious to read her book, especially in conjunction with Forbidden Fruit and The Abstinence Teacher (for a little fiction vibe) and to participate in a a discussion about these books with other adult women raised in the Christian church. I'd love to know the opinions of women with similar religious backgrounds, how they feel about the way we were raised to view sex, and whether or not we ultimately embraced or rejected those teachings. Sexuality is a subject that seems to be relegated to only the "Don'ts" within the walls of the church, and that's a shame.

Finally, Miss Never Been Kissed. If her sincere desire is to wait until God sends her Mr. Right, then she might be onto something. Because honestly, if she can find a man who, despite a deep affection for and attraction to her, can keep his lips off of her until the ordained moment in a wedding ceremony, he might just be her Mr. Right. Until then, I remain skeptical.

And, c'mon, kisses are fun! 412 Griffin Ave Kissing Booth, anyone?