Sunday, October 26, 2008

And we'll all float on OK

Since coming home Tuesday afternoon, I've been reorienting, once again, to home life after a stint in the Big House. For the first few days, I slowly got through the typical case of "hospital belly" developed from sitting on my can too long and eating phenomenally non-nutritious and non-fibrous hospital food. Then there were the three or four days where my body just ached. Pains over most of my body making it annoying to wear clothes, sleep, or be touched. In the past few days, my mouth has erupted in pain and irritation. I have this swell looking red sore on the inside of my lip and the inside of my mouth feels like I've been rinsing with Agent Orange.

Now is it hard to understand why I am a wee bit on the grouchy side when I first come out of chemo? Can anyone question why it is sometimes hard for me to be a pleasant person? Good. But if not, I'll gladly light your inner lip on fire and then you get back to me about how congenial you feel.

What has been particularly difficult this time around with my treatment is that things are way more complicated than they were a month ago. This summer, my main focus was on fighting the disease, getting through the rough parts of chemo, and moving forward. Now I am fighting on multiple fronts against the fact that people are crappy and the world is sometimes bad place. It's not just enough to worry about treatment working but now it's whether or not I'll be able to even get treatment. Instead of just being concerned about how my stupid disease is affecting my family, I've got the added worry about how their basic necessities are going to be provided for. Swell. Like I need more stress.

I wear a bracelet inscribed with the words from Philippians 4:13, a verse any well-churched adult can probably quote at the drop of a hat: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Lately, I've been trying to tap into that strength. A lot. So it helps during the times when I feel like I am mired in the world's worst pit of black tar to look down and read those words.

Thursday I go for a bone marrow biopsy (Number 12! Or 13! I've lost count!), and I'll know the results by Friday morning. My doc has told me to be prepared that if the marrow is not clean (meaning Chemo Big Fail AGAIN), he will admit me on Friday to start more chmo. Happy freakin' Halloween folks. I'm thrilled as piss.

In less cancery news, I keep forgetting to post links to my Cannonball Read Book Reports. Last week, I reviewed Wicked. Check it out. One, two. One, two. More book reports to come.


cindy said...

I wish I had some genius words of inspiration. Just know there are people you don't even know out here cheering for you and sending thoughts of good health and cancer-fighting vibes your way.

Marissa said...

I am going to put all my energy into good news for Friday for you!!

d'RC said...

Delurking to give you lots of hugs. I'm sorry about all of it. Leukemia sucks. You guys are in our thoughts and prayers.

PS - Can you use Magic Mouthwash? My friend (with AML) says that it helps with the sores, though it makes her gag a lot (her chemo makes her really gaggy).

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