Five Things for Which I am Thankful but That Won't Be Mentioned 'Round the Family Thanksgiving Table
1. Tampons: Duh.
2. Contraception (particularly the little pill form): Duh. Also.
3. Coconut Rum: Because it mixes well with Diet Coke. Sometimes a girl likes to get her drink on AND still fight the chub.
4. Running Shorts With Built-In Underwear: Bliss is a wedgie-free jog about the neighborhood.
5. Those Morons Up Before the Ass Crack of Dawn Today to Buy a Bunch of Cheap Crap They Probably Don't Need: God bless, their relentless spending keeps our overly consumer-based economy afloat. Hopefully by the time they've hit old age and start bleeding the government dry in social services because they, in their spendthrift younger years, never saved for retirement, I will have whisked myself away to some exotic locale to while away my golden years.