Not so bad, not so good

Folks, here is my brief, stream-of-consciousness review of the 2007 Oscars because I really need to run and fix my terribly chipped electric blue nail polish and I've already spent too much of the evening with my eyeballs glued to soul-sucking, addictive gossip blogs:

Liked the opening montage of nominees. Nice to see some of the lesser-known faces on the technical side get some screen time. Ellen was an okay host, funny at times but mostly innocuous. She didn't really have any gut-busting funny moments except maybe almost sucking Penelope Cruz's dress up in a vacuum cleaner. Interesting that they switched around the order of the awards making us wait longer for the acting statues to get handed out. Interpretive dancing was kind of neat, pretty short. Sound effects choir was cool too. That backstage hack Chris Connelly needs to go.

The funniest bit came from Robert Downey Jr.'s quip about "Just another typical day for me in the mid-nineties." during the special effects award presentation. Ever since Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and now this, I have newfound respect for RDJ. Cracked my ass up.

Hate that the acceptance speeches were all so butchered. Would have made more sense to cut two of the four movie montages. Keep the RIP and tribute to foreign films, ditch the others. The Will Farrell/Jack Black/Joh C. Reilly song was stupid and unecessary. I'm glad I was listening to my iPod while on the eliptical machine so I didn't have to start gagging over the Al Gore and Leo BS skit about the "green Oscars". Gore is such a fame whore.

Most of the outfits looked nice. As usual, Kate Winslet looked divine;her soft green gown was a perfect fit and was sexy without being revealing. Cate Blanchett's dark silver gown managed to be stunning and unusual. Reese Witherspoon pulled off a sophisticated cuteness. Catherine Deneuve is one classy cool broad. Little Abigail Breslin was age-appropriately beautiful. Loved the Curious George in her lap! Even Diane Keaton looked restrained and tailored.

Of course there was the usual weird fashion choices, but nothing too crazy. Kirsten Dunst was fug as usual. Gwyneth's dress did something weird to her boobs, and her hair was bizzare. Eva Green is quite lovely without the buckets of black eyeliner. Wish she'd tone that shit down. Cameron Diaz's skin looked dirty and her dress was straight off my 80's Barbie doll. Anne Hatheway stole her look from the 1985 Gunne Sax catalog-giant bow and all. J.Lo seemed to think she was channeling Liz Taylor's Cleopatra.

Why did someone not stop Phillip Seymour Hoffman before he went on stage and brush his fucking hair. Bitch, please. Get a comb. Let's all send PSH a plastic Goody comb from the dollar store so he'll always have one with him.

Loved watching Beyonce get her big ole, self-aggrandizing ass handed to her by Jennifer Hudson. Damn, that girl can sing. I thought she was going to blow Beyonce's wig right off her head the minute she opened her mouth. Then I was concerned Jennifer's boob was going to pop out. Whoo, dodged the bullet there. Still it was nice to see Jennifer take Beyonce downtown to get her purse then beat the crap out of her with it.

Clint Eastwood is old, doesn't give a shit, and is funny as hell. Morricone is adorable. SO glad he didn't struggle with English through his acceptance speech. You rock the house in Italian, buddy.

Celine Dion. WTF? Seriously, WHAT???THE???FUCK???

Children of Men was robbed. In all the catagories it was nominated and then for not being nominated in more. Forrest Whitaker's speech was lovely and appropriate. Jennifer Hudson seemed sincerely amazed and humbled. Helen Mirren just kicks ass. The Departed really wasn't that good, but Marty seemed honestly pleased with winning. At least this year there was no juggernaut scooping up every single award like Titanic or LOTR. Made for a pleasantly unpredictable show.

Again, not the worst year. Not the best. And apparently not so short a review either.