Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Worst Mom Ever

This morning, Little A did a swan dive off of my bed onto the hardwood floor while I was three feet away brushing my teeth. It scared the crap out of both of us. Alastair sobbed for a good three or four minutes until Vivienne appeared (Nursemaid Kitty that she is.) and distracted him. I watched him like a hawk all day for signs he could have a concussion because you know I saw that episode of The Office where Dwight crashed his Trans Am on his way to pick up Michael who was nursing a burnt foot at home. AND he had a concussion...

Anyway, Little A's got an enormous goose egg right smack over his left eye because I SUCK. I was so embarrassed at my obvious lack of parental abilities I put a knit cap on his head to go to Target. Sheesh, before you know it I'll be driving around with Little A in my lap.

Speaking of other Mothers of Dubious Parenting Skills, what the hell is going on with Brit Brit? Partying with Paris Hilton? Flashing her business all over the place? Literally, flashing her business as she gets out of cars wearing short skirts. There's one pic where you can see her C-section scar for Pete's sake (Thankfully though, the full monty was blocked out with a picture of a kitten in the shot I viewed.). This must be a bizarre new form of post-partum psychosis where you forget to wear underwear in public and spend all your free time with a human cesspool. I used to feel sorry for her: young mother married to Cletus, hounded by the paparazzi, unable to dress herself properly. A shadow of the pop princess she once was. Now it appears she really is a special kind of stupid. If she didn't have a decent singing voice, she'd been working the graveyard shift at some backwater Louisiana Denny's and trying to use her WIC checks to buy smokes. The FedEx-Brit Brit divorce battle (How Much Will He Get?) should be interesting.

And finally, more dubious parenting: I recently discovered this idiocy. While I am not a huge Santa fanatic, I have no problem with the myth in a general sense. This "Santa Proof Kit" takes things way too far. Santa's driver's license? Snowy footprints? What the shit? Parents who do this kind of crap are only setting themselves up for trouble down the line when their children get older. Kids remember stuff scarily well. One day these parents will have to explain to their children how their parents created a highly elaborate hoax in order to perpetuate a lie so that Christmas could be fun. Again I say, what the shit?


ahamos said...

You are not a bad mom, and you do not suck! He's just getting really fast and really mobile. He's a baby, and babies are magnets for trouble.

I think you're doing a great job, and I love you.

Stephanie said...

Not that you'll read this, since it's been so long, but you're not a bad mom! It happens to all parents eventually. Rachael did almost the same thing just a few weeks ago. We were just lucky enough to be standing close enough to catch her. Her having a brother 2 years older doesn't help any in avoiding "accidents" either. Luv ya!

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